#054: Notes from A Recent Self-Inquiry

What are we doing any of this for? What are we trying to prove and to whom?

Where is the part of us that is real and speaks honestly? I’m sure that person is there somewhere, inside, and that we haven’t given him
much of an opportunity to speak plainly.

Who is the person who wants all these things?

Are we really naive enough to think that the pursuit of these things is going to bring us lasting happiness?

Or are we being wise, knowing that these are things that need to be taken care of, and that we’re happy to play our role in this giant, ultimately
meaningless act?

Why do we say that this is ultimately a meaningless act? We say everything is meaningless because eventually, everything and everyone that have
been here with us, including us, will perish, and that things will for certain go back to the nothingness that they came from.

Everything we do, in between, is just things to fill time and space with. But what is really there is only the emptiness. The canvas on which we paint these strokes- with the things we do and say- is one that is made of this very same emptiness that we try to escape. Try to see that!

Oh, but what is wrong with wanting status? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. If that’s what you want, then that’s what you want. But try to look into
the very nature of it- try to understand what it really is, why people chase after it, and what it really means to go after status.

What does it mean to act out of ego?

We honestly aren’t wise enough to know the answers to all these questions. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that we know next to nothing about these.
What I do know is that if you’re truly honest, you will at least end up with something that’s pure and real.

How do we really want to live? What is it that we really want? Suppose we get what we say we want, are we just going to keep wanting different things that we don’t yet have, work towards it and so on and so forth? Doesn’t this seem.. absurd?

Perhaps we might never know what we want forever. The best we can know, is about what we want, for now, based on the experiences we’ve had so far.

But why must we just react to the events that happen? For instance, if someone’s being an asshole to us, one way or the other, why does it immediately strike us that we should achieve higher status/power? What is the connection here that I’m not seeing- is it a hurt ego, one that’s easily challenged? If so, can we remind ourselves self that we are actually doing well for ourselves, and can do more only because there are things we want, and that there’s really no need for us to prove anything to anyone?

This is hard for me, but it doesn’t have to be. There really isn’t much of a conflict between the two- think of it this way, we live in a world that places a lot of weight on status, and the things you’re rewarded with, materially/socially is proportional to this status. But you don’t *have* to compete for it all the time. You can work hard/smart for comfort- that’s always welcome. You can do things that are interesting to you, find temporary fulfillment through life itself, try to define your own meaning, and when that meaning starts to bore you, you take a call and makeup another one.

It seems like an endless wave of stupid games, but stupid games can be fun. On occasions.